Declassified. Unverified. Unstoppable.
TOMCRUISE-AHAWK MISSILE PROGRAM
Operational Brief (Public Copy)
DECLASSIFIEDNOT A REAL WEAPONPHYSICS WAIVER GRANTED
BEGIN LAUNCH PROTOCOLThis action is irreversible (emotionally).
Figure 1: unauthorized glamour shot.1. Mission Overview
Objective: Deliver weapons-grade entertainment at unsafe speeds.
Secondary objective: Ignore common sense.
Known limitations: Reality.
Key Notes
- Unauthorized by any government
- Authorized by the internet
- Pilot: Tom Cruise (allegedly)
Source: Trust me bro division
2. Technical Specifications
PropulsionHollywood-grade thrust
GuidanceActor instinct navigation (AIN)
RangeWherever the timeline reaches
Ejection speed"fast" (measured in screaming)
Weight2,900 lbs (plus ego)
StealthOnly from responsibility
Failure rateUnreported (nobody survives to report)
Reviewed by: nobody
TELEMETRY STREAM
SYS.TIME: 00:00:12ALTITUDE: 420,069 FTTHERMAL: HOTTER THAN MARKETINGRISK INDEX: YESTRAJECTORY: VIBES-ONLYSTATUS: UNHINGED
3. Payload & Effects
Payload is non-explosive. Impact is cultural.
Meme fragments
Screenshot propagation
Comment section collapse
"what about…" deflection module
Approved by: vibes
4. Launch Protocol
System log
BOOT...LOCK TARGET: TRENDING TOPICARMING...IGNORING WARNINGS...LAUNCH...
EXECUTE LAUNCHMISSION EXECUTED
For entertainment purposes only. Probably.
5. Incident Reports & Field Notes
Date: 20-??-2026
Report #014 — Subject attempted to apply real-world physics. Outcome: embarrassment.
Signed: Department of Unverified DefenseDate: 20-??-2026
Report #022 — Operator clicked launch repeatedly. Missile became a lifestyle.
Signed: Department of Unverified DefenseDate: 20-??-2026
Report #033 — Target resisted. Comment section deployed. Target surrendered.
Signed: Department of Unverified DefenseNot reviewed by anyone.
6. Declassified Attachments
Attachment A: Sea test.
Attachment B: Cinematic pass.
Attachment C: TomCruise-ahawk diagram.
Attachment D: Cruise variants.
Figure 3: Extremely normal behavior.
Figure 4: Airspace vibes.
Attachment E: Agricultural test (unauthorized).
Attachment F: Snack-based calibration.
Attachment G: Feline morale incident.
Attachment H: Overpressure meme bloom.Source: Non-credible defense department
7. Acquisition & Deployment
Contract address
Procurement methodBuy
Refund policyNo
WarrantyAbsolutely not
SupportThe internet
This is a meme. Do not act like an adult here.